Friday, January 10, 2014

Worst Films of 2013


10. G.I. Joe: Retaliation- Not even The Rock and Bruce Willis were able to save this turd.  Somehow even dumber than first film but with none of the fun to make it bearable.  The action scenes with Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow are passable but they are sadly few and very far in between.

9.  The Incredible Burt Wonderstone- There's a decent cast here but the film does absolutely nothing with it.  The jokes are unfunny, outdated and will likely make you remember your trip to the dentist with fond nostalgia.

8.  Admission- Tina Fey and Paul Rudd give this one their best effort but the script is one of the clunkiest I've ever seen.  The film is so unfocused about the tone it wants to make that it tries to be a romantic comedy and a drama but fails at both.

7.  The Host- I'm sure there was supposed to be some kind of epic struggle in the movie.  For me, my epic struggle was in trying to stay awake during this tedious piece of crap that somehow achieves the impossible by making Twilight look downright interesting.

6.  Now You See Me- I am truly puzzled as to how this one managed to become a hit.  The only time I've ever witnessed anything so ridiculously convoluted, it was directed by Christopher Nolan.  This would've been fine if there had been an ounce of intelligence in the script but sadly in that department they fell horrifically short.

5.  The Fifth Estate- Benedict Cumberbatch gives a passable performance as Julian Assange but that's not nearly enough to save this snooze-fest.  Those of you interested to read my hatred of this film in greater detail can read my review here.  

4.  A Good Day To Die Hard- Live Free of Die Hard may have been brainless but this turkey makes it look like a masterpiece.  Bruce Willis quite evidently phoned this one in though really who could blame him.   This fifth entry of the Die Hard bears no resemblance to the classic original and is frankly an insult to the name of John McClane.

3.  I Give It A Year- I got suckered into renting this one because I was under the impression it would be a clever satire of those crappy romantic comedies I enjoy making fun of.  Instead what I got was a painfully unfunny ordeal that was every bit as cliched as the films they're supposedly mocking.  Special criticism is reserved for a particularly annoying character who gives the most uncomfortably terrible best-man speech I have ever heard.

2.  Texas Chainsaw 3D- After showing some stock footage from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, this film quickly goes downhill.  While these movies were never meant to be pleasant experiences, this latest installment takes it to a whole new level.  Amazingly this travesty actually makes the Texas Chainsaw's that Michael Bay produced look good in comparison.  Just let that sink in for a second.    

1.  Movie 43- There could not be less of a reason for this film to exist.  Even the "good" segments of this god-awful anthology comedy are funny mostly because they're so appallingly bad and the bad ones are so horribly, written Adam Sandler would call them lazy.  As I was watching this, I think at a certain point I could actually physically feel myself losing my sanity.

Click here to see some of my picks for the best films of 2013.