I’m not going to bother to ask how this movie
managed to get made because that’s really not a mystery. Since Alice
in Wonderland was so successful a couple of years ago, studios were more
than willing to fund one of Tim Burton’s pet projects, especially with Johnny
Depp on board as usual. I’m not going to
blame the studio for agreeing to make Dark
Shadows because I know it probably seemed like a solid investment at the
time. I also won’t get angry at them for
giving Burton a $150 million production budget because as usual he uses the
money to make some stunning visuals and beautiful albeit gothic scenery. As much as I usually enjoy his movies, the
blame for this picture will probably go to the director himself and frankly,
the blame is well deserved.
As
many of you know, Dark Shadows is
based on the 60s supernatural soap opera of the same name. The show aired for about five years before
being cancelled but has since gained a massive cult following. The fans have been so dedicated over the
years that both NBC and The WB made attempts to revive the show though
ultimately both productions proved to be unsuccessful. But enough of the history lesson what about
the movie itself?
The
movie begins with the son of a fishing magnate named Barnabas Collins (Depp)
ending his brief relationship with a servant named Angelique (Eva Green) by
saying he doesn’t love her. Angelique
turns out to be a very powerful, psychotic witch and unsurprisingly doesn’t
take his rejection very well. She takes
her revenge on him by killing his parents, hypnotizing his girlfriend into
jumping off a cliff, turning him into a vampire, having him buried alive in a
coffin, and cursing his descendants to a lifetime of misery for good
measure. Seems like a bit of an
overreaction but hey, what do I know?
About 200 years later, Barnabas is
finally released from his tomb and finds himself awakened in the 70s. From here we are introduced to his
descendants Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer), her daughter
Carolyn (Chloe Moretz), her brother Roger, and Roger’s son David. Also living in the Collins estate are the
family’s caretaker Willie, David’s live-in psychiatrist Dr. Hoffman and David’s
recently hired governess Victoria.
When Barnabas returns
home he not only sees the run-down state of his family’s once proud mansion but
also informed that the prominence of the family’s name has waned considerably
as well. Upon discovering this, he vows
to restore the tattered reputation of the Collins name and break the so-called
curse set upon his family by the still alive-and-kicking Angelique. Naturally, shenanigans ensue, but mostly in
the form of lame fish out of water jokes.
I’m not even joking; the entire first ninety minutes consists of
Barnabas being puzzled by the strange customs and behaviors of the 70s. This is mildly amusing for about the first
twenty minutes but after that it becomes really grating to sit through.
Most
of these characters have so little consequence to the plot, I’m only able to
tell you their names because I looked it up on Wikipedia. If half of the cast had been taken out of
this movie entirely, I doubt the story (what little there is) would’ve been
changed at all. Barnabas constantly
talks about the family being in ruins largely because of Angelique’s curse but
after watching this family I don’t really buy it. The entire family just sits around and does
nothing while bemoaning their so-called bad fortune of not having to work and
living in the biggest mansion in town.
Their collective sense of entitlement and sloth-like behavior seems to
have rubbed off on their hired help as well.
Their governess just seems to walk around the mansion with seemingly no
memory of why she was hired in the first place.
Never once does the caretaker seem to so much as dust anything. The little boy’s psychiatrist was apparently
hired to treat him for a month and has instead lived in their house presumably
rent-free for over three years with little sign that she’s even bothering to
treat him at this point. These people
aren’t cursed, they’re just lazy.
If
anything good has come from this, it’s that Depp has finally decided to take a
break from Tim Burton movies for a little while by attaching himself to
projects ranging from a Thin Man remake
to a biopic about Dr. Seuss. Otherwise
the film as a whole was a complete grind to sit through. So far, this is without a doubt the worst
movie I’ve seen all year. Mr. Burton I’m
not angry, I’m just disappointed. Actually
scratch that I’m pretty angry too.
Grade: D-
